All I want for Christmas

On this day three years ago, our adorable, youngest grandson was born. He was our Christmas angel that year, born right before a snowstorm stopped the world for a day.

I remember when we found out our daughter was pregnant with him. We stood in their kitchen as the news of our oldest grandson becoming a big brother sank in and the realization of our family growing took hold.

We received that news sometime after I was diagnosed with metastatic melanoma – between the diagnosis and knowing the exact extent of the disease. At that time, my mind was still hung on the word metastatic, spreading. I smiled at the joyful news, but inside a part of me cried, not knowing how much of this wonderful new life I would get to see.

Today I smile on the inside too, after another clear checkup and NED (no evidence of disease) in my blood tests and scans. Perhaps another gift from a Christmas angel. Although antibiotics have not begun their work on the probable sinus infection causing the headaches I’ve been experiencing, at least it’s treatable.

I graduate to appointments every six months now, which is amazing and somewhat scary. At three-month intervals, I usually had something pop up around the time of my next visit. Now if something pops up, how long do I wait? As my oncologist said, “We’re still here,” but still.

The clinical trial I am in stretches appointments out even further after the next six month visit, to one year, however, my oncologist said we aren’t ready for that quite yet, which is fine with me. This is like weaning a baby off a security object.

Three and a half years ago, we were dealt the worst news a family never wants to hear. Two and a half years ago, I finished treatment and even now, I sometimes think certain issues are lingering side effects – like the headaches – although I pray the antibiotics knock it down and it’s truly only sinus related.

With more than three and a half years behind us in the cancer journey, we are cautiously looking ahead to the five-year mark and how we will celebrate that milestone. However, as each day passes, I remind myself, nothing is guaranteed. I remind myself of that tentative feeling in the pit of my stomach the day I first heard about our youngest grandson.

I’ve been blessed to watch him thrive and grow, and watch another addition to our family do the same. I embrace every opportunity to be with each of our grandchildren, loving them as deeply as possible in those moments, much like any grandparent might, but I know, I can’t waste any hugs or kisses or books read or movies watched or silly times together. Any of us can be gone in a moment, but I’ve been given advance notice that I don’t want to ignore.

Three years ago I held a little bundle of boy in my arms, crying at the miracle of birth, at the tenderness of life. Today I tossed him into a pile of cushions as he gleefully scrambled up and shouted, “Do it again!”

He will never know the stress our family endured in those early months of his life. Stress that tinged the most joyous news, with bitterness, but which now we wipe away with every report of NED.

What better Christmas gift can one receive than that?

 

 

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